I want to help people who cannot see the light but live in darkness. This blog is about bringing positive back for people who have lost all hope and help them strive to do better and become driven to follow their dreams.
This blog is dedicated to all human beings. I want people to be aware of, and support, what happens to a person and how to help people in different situations. I want people, who are in different situations to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I want every person to know that you can work your way through things and that there is always hope, even when there seems like there is none.
Someone someone asked me a short while ago why I was doing these blogs. They thought that perhaps I was doing them to get rid of my demons and just let the world know what I’ve gone through. They were unsure of my purpose.
The reason why I do these blogs is because of what I have single highhandedly experienced first hand. When a person has been through so much, and I’ve been through a lot, it gives me some from of understanding of what others may be thinking and feeling, and the reasons behind what they do, when others do not have any understanding.
Whether it be abuse, rape, chronic pain, an illness or if it be watching loved ones suffer. If you’ve gone through anxiety or have/had mental health issues it does not mean that one negates the other. They are all just as bad. We all suffer and we all suffer alone, because nobody understands what we REALLY go through. Some people may play on what they going through (in the small minority) to gain attention, and I think that’s part of an illness (that's just my opinion).
There is nobody put on the earth who could understand what one person goes through, and whether it’s just one incident or several occurrences of different things, if someone has gone through something similar or the same then they have an idea of where you are at. I don’t have all the answers, I don’t have an absolute insight to what can refresh a person soul and make their existence happier.
But what I can show and let people know, is that all the things combined, that I have gone through in one lifetime in a rage of darkness and a voice of silence. Gives me a reasonably unique advantage into how low someone can get before they can actually rise from the bottom of the pit and try to give them some form of hope. Some people can’t get out of a circular pattern and some people cannot get up from the depths and make it to the sun again, but I want to show people that no matter what you go through there is always help and there is always hope.
It’s taken me months to think about something to write in my next blog. I had them all set up in a row so that you were reading a story of my life. I now don’t think that was the right way to go.
So to recap on where I began to where I am as a journey.
From an early age I never thought I was good enough I always thought I had to do better and I had to be better. I went through primary school and high school being bullied. Not just a little bit but full on and relentless. I was put down by my friends and my family, to a small degree, but also by people who are supposed to be my friends so never in my life did I think that I was ever good enough for anything.
Then I moved to the city, being the trusting naive person that I was, and I entered into an abusive relationship. It was not physically abusive it was mentally abusive and I was raped several times by this person. So I became more introverted in myself, but extrovert on the outside.
From there I had several more abusive relationships until the memory of first one came back to me, and i knew i had to break the cycle. So I stopped relationships altogether. The fact that this happened to me, as a person, absolutely and unequivocally had an affect on my relationship with my mother and my father. Both of them, at this point in time, do not speak to me at all. It is because of my actions under the influence of depression and an inability to speak my mind and be honest to myself that this is has happened.
When I began having back pain, and after eight months of chronic pain ended up in hospital, I rang my family for support. They drove a whole day to get me and a whole day back again to bring me home. But they did not understand exactly what I needed. they did not understand what was wrong with me and what i had to do to get better (neither did I). I decided something drastically had to be done I ended up in hospital and had major back surgery to remove a disc in my back (L5S1). The fact that I was screamed at because I was told I didn’t want to live I was lazy by somebody who was supposed to care and understand me absolutely drove me into despair. I have never ever gotten over that. Where was my unconditional love?
The next thing to hit me was my cancer. It was discovered I had bowel cancer and I took it on the chin because I did not know how to handle it. How are you suppose to deal with something when it was not yet properly diagnosed? It was just another thing that had happened to me, so finding out that it was not going to be terminal I ended up still having to go through chemotherapy. The problem was the surgery went really well but my recovery did not and I ended up six weeks more in hospital then I should have. I was very ill and under the most excruciating circumstances that I never really talked about again. Part of my depression and inability to explain exactly how I feel. I am still suffering side effects of chemotherapy today and its been three years on.
I always thought that by having nobody who knew me, or who deeply cared for my well-being, would be the absolute death of me. I thought if I did not have anyone in my life who would love me unconditionally - no matter what -would be my end, and yet I have absolutely thrived. The moral of the story is that what we go through teaches us everything we need to cope. It teaches us if we are strong or need help and who we can trust. It doesn’t come overnight. So if you have only one bad thing that happens to you, that significantly changes your life, or a string of bad events, think about why they happened and think about how you can better yourself.
Because every person, everywhere is worth something. You are worth a life. You are worth having a friend. You are worth being loved. But other people cannot do it for you you, need to be able to pick yourself up and start the small steps.
So my stories of doom and gloom is what I’ve been through, but where I am right now is shining and basking in sunlight. I keep going every day to follow my dreams that I had completely forgotten about. It was just one or two things in my life that made me see this. It was several people - some of which I have never met - that have helped me gain momentum and my absolute determination in getting myself to where I want to be. I don’t want fame, I don’t want fortune, I want richness in life and know that I do have friends and people in my life that care - because that’s what matters to me most. If I can help but one person in this whole horrible life that I have lived it would absolutely make me happy.
My life is not sunshine and roses and I don’t smile every single day, but I do believe and I do get up in the morning and want to live knowing that I’m going to get to where I want to be. And 12 months ago ..... I didn’t want to get up in the morning and I did not want to live. Yet I have less today than I did 12 months ago so .....