Output Fear and loneliness...
I want to help people who cannot see the light but live in darkness. This blog is about bringing positive back for people who have lost all hope and help them strive to do better and become driven to follow their dreams.
This blog is dedicated to all human beings. I want people to be aware of, and support, what happens to a person and how to help people in different situations. I want people, who are in different situations to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I want every person to know that you can work your way through things and that there is always hope, even when there seems like there is none.
For years I did not tell anyone what had happened to me, what really went on or how I felt. I thought if I could put it all behind me it would somehow go away.
I continued my dissociation, built walls and pretended it did not happen. Being so young it was hard for me to not be a happy person. I was built that way; it was in my DNA to be a free-spirited child. My shininess returned but inside I was a mess. My friends became very valuable to me, even if they did not know it or know why.
Always being admired and wanted the attention continued. My naiveness was still there and I should have listened to my inner soul. But being an Aries I went headlong into life. Still not understanding or trying to understand. I did not want to and trying to block it out in my mind. I still wanted to believe there was good somewhere in the world.
I got use to being on my own. I went back to university and I use to go out with my friends constantly. They all had boyfriends. I just liked going out and dancing. I loved to dance. I used to hide in a corner and dance my ass off for 5 hours and until the sun rose in the morning. Every now and again I would be asked to dance on sage or where the club had a special set up, but I did not want attention. I just wanted to lose myself in something I loved and not worry about the hang up of it all.
Every now and again the fact that I lost a child, and it was very unlikely I would ever have children, made me very emotional and sad. I would spend days crying. Get up then live my life like nothing had ever happened. Only subconsciously I was going downhill. Backing myself into a corner. Then I had a nervous breakdown. I did not tell anyone. I did not want to tell my family. My dad had enough on his plate as he was going through major heart surgery at the time, so it was not a good time to disclose what had happened to me or how I was going. I tried to be a good person and put it behind me. I started regular visits to a physiologist. At times I just wanted to be alone and would cry for no reason at all. I could feel myself going further downhill and did not know what to do about it. I did not want to bother anyone or burden them with my problems. I felt so alone and lonely in this horrible hell I had created for myself.
I remember one day I was just driving around. I found myself at the beach, could only vaguely remember how I got there and was crying uncontrollably. It scared me. It was two hours of time I did not really remember…. And I was driving. I phoned my psychologist and told her what had happened. She told me to drive straight to her office (I was not that far away from that location).
She calmed me down and prescribed medication (through my doctor) to help me cope and regular weekly treatments of counselling through her. My doctor agreed. Slowly and bit by bit I started to come back to reality. I had been on several dates, there was no shortage of offers. But everything fell short and some started to be protective from the start, I steered clear of those ones. I liked poetry, theatre, music but all the young men liked fast cars, someone good looking on their arm and to show off how good they were. I really was not interested. I had always been a sexual woman but was not willing to put myself out there until I found someone worth it.
One Friday night I wanted to go out and both my friends bumped me for their boyfriends. OK THEN I thought to myself, be brave – go out on your own. I chose a bar that would not be too full and also close to home. I thought I am just going to go for two drinks, see how I feel then come home. Really all I wanted to do was dance really. I missed it.
I ordered myself a drink, had a dance, watched people, then went to order myself another drink. I tall strapping man was at the bar and started talking to me then purchased me a drink. He was ten years older than me, but we seemed to gel on a whole different level. He was good looking (check), funny (check) owned his own business – so was not a looser (check), highly intelligent (check). OK I liked him. We ended up going for coffee. His excuse was that it was too loud to have a decent conversation – he was right about that. About four shops up from the nightclub was a coffee place and we went there and talked until the sun came up. I went home and felt so lightheaded. He was so lovely.
We spent the next six months in each other’s pockets. I remember him sending me some orchards (I remember as I don’t get flowers, nor have a since, from anyone) to my work once (as I was working my way through university), the note said, and I quote “A thought, for a dream, for a pretty lady” the nicest thing a man has ever done for me…. Ever (how sad is that). I loved the fact he rode a motorcycle (love those things) and he did come across as a bit of a bad boy… I loved that even more.
Similar to me he had been stomped on a bit as well. So, his walls were higher and thicker than mine… if that’s possible. He started to back away and become emotionally unavailable. Starting to break my heart I could not take it. So, I told him the truth. I was in love with him. He did not say anything back just stared at me. The silence got too much so I left.
That weekend I went out with some friends and met a whole different crowd. They all knew each other so of course I was more susceptible to trusting them. One of the guys, good looking, well build, flirty and funny zoomed in on me straight away. He got my number out of me and phoned me the next day. Still not hearing from my bow I decided to go out with him. I told him I had a boyfriend right from the start and so there was no misunderstanding. The following week we spent a great deal of time together. The following weekend we came back to my place really late, so I asked him to stay. No funny business just to sleep. He respected my wishes, so I tended to trust him a little more.
Trying to make amends with my boyfriend was very difficult. I did not know what was wrong. I did not understand why he was pulling away. We were so close. Then he was distant. If people tell me what’s going on, then that’s fine. But don’t do something and then not respond or tell me why something is not happening.
I should have seen the signs with the new guy. One late Friday afternoon I called my boyfriend to see what he was doing over the weekend and if we were still on for Saturday night. Before I knew it he was asking if I was having fun over on the island. “what island” I so did not know what he was talking about. Turns out I “apparently” texted him to say I was going over to Rottnest island for the weekend and would catch up with him when I got back. WTF. The other guy was at my house for a few hours, so I started to suspect something. I went through my texts, but they had been deleted. I confronted him about what had happened. He just laughed. Yes he had found my boyfriends number, yes he had texted him as he wanted to spend the weekend with me. I was soooo angry.
It turned out that my boyfriend was also in love with me. He told me after I broke up with him several weeks later. I was gutted. But it was too late. He had pushed me too far away. My heart broke. So my consolation prize was someone I should never ever have trusted... AGAIN..... and thats the next story... it does not end well.