In the Middle of my Life ... PART 1

I want to help people who cannot see the light but live in darkness. This blog is about bringing positive back for people who have lost all hope and help them strive to do better and become driven to follow their dreams.

This blog is dedicated to all human beings. I want people to be aware of, and support, what happens to a person and how to help people in different situations. I want people, who are in different situations to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I want every person to know that you can work your way through things and that there is always hope, even when there seems like there is none.

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Downward into the Depths of Depression, Rape and Low Self Worth

This is a really hard one to write. I am going to leave my childhood till next time. There are a lot of people out there who will be able to relate to what I am going to talk about in the next few weeks. For those who have ever suffered from abuse then I would encourage you to share your experiences here. Not that I am an expert or have all the answers, but I have experienced raped and verbal abuse. This is how it began and the story of my Journey through it. Some of it will be explicit and not something that is usually talked about in public. But it needs a voice. I am here, I can here you and I can relate. This subject will most probably take a few chats (blogs) to get it all out.

I was nineteen, naive and having been brought up in the country, somewhat insulted from the word and all its traps, wonders and risks. I would go out with friends every weekend, after a hard week at university. I LOVED to dance, I use to get lost in the music and do my own thing. I would usually find a dark corner, where no one could see me, and dance for hours on end. I knew I was good at it, ignored the attention and just did my own grove thing. One night when out with friends they brought a friend along. Well to me, anyone who was a friend of a friend could be trusted. As I said, I really did not know how the world worked at this stage of my life.

Sharing conversation and similar dancing styles we exchanged numbers. My last serious relationship was where the person had tried to commit suicide because I would not marry him.. I was way too young..and another story. I have never had a one night stand, still haven’t and never will (maybe there’s on person in the universe- but that will NEVER happen I am under no delusions). So it had been awhile since I had a man in my life.

This guy came off a little bit confident, but shy when no one was around. We had a few dates and things were fine. Until it wasn’t. It kind of happened by osmosis. Slow little progressions of dependency and short temper. Within six months I thought he was the one. I think it was when he knew he had me hooked that he completely changed. Again, remember I was naive and came from a background of insulation. He got fired from his job. I did not know it at the time but he had a small drug problem. He was always angry when people talked about drugs as he said he hated them (first lie that I did not see). He became estranged from his family, who I got a long with very well. Nice decent people. He said they had a massive understanding and made up a plausible lie.

Now he was on benefits he expected me, a uni student, to help out with money. It was ok, when I had spare cash. When I didn’t he tried to start fights with me. My sixth sense kicked in and I could feel that it was not going to be a healthy relationship. I even told him so. I said I could see us not staying together and the break - up would be explosive. He spent a time living with me and I noticed high value items going missing.

One night he got caught by the police. He made up a story, I did not believe it but just went along with it - i aid to him I would come and support him in court. He told me not to worry about it as I would need to swap shifts at the nursing home I worked at (to get me through uni). I did go, without telling him I would be there. When I got to the courthouse he was not on the listing. Turns out he actually had court the day before....for robbery. I was so upset when I got home I went over to his apartment (he was out) and looked around then found the fine ripped up and put in the bin. I confronted him and walked out. He slowly weened his way back into my life.

He would not let me go. I ended feeling like a piece of property on his arm. He then began to berate me in public. Yelling insults and directions at me. Back them I thought I deserved everything I was getting. The humiliation, the torture. He managed to isolate me from everyone I loved. We got engaged and my parents would have nothing to do with him. He was no longer welcome in their home. I was heading down a hole of self loathing. To me everything else in my life agreed with what was happening. I wasn’t worth it. No one else would love me. I was deluded and trapped.

At one stage i had asked him to look after my kitten. One day i went to his apartment and the kitten was no longer there. the door was left open and I was told he had been robbed and that the kitten had gotten out. i later found out (after all was done and dusted) that he had drowned the kitten - very sickening. Anything that took my attention away from him he would try to sever that tie. But my family tie would not break and that annoyed him.

He was sleeping around, so I had found out. I was warned of his habits by everyone. I knew then he had played me from the start. Played on my vulnerability of being alone for so long and needing to be loved. When he argued with me while we were out at night clubs it was because he had found someone for the night. He knew I would just go home therefore leaving himself free to get with other people. I fell into the depths of depression. I hated him but had no strength to get rid of him. I believed he would find me and kill me. I fell inside of myself. Became meek and soft spoken, withdrawn and confused. No one to help me. I told him I did not want to marry him. I told him to leave me alone but I could not get rid of him. I was too weak. To me I was worth less than a piece of dirt. night when he would come home and come to bed he would often have sex with me. I just laid there. I did not want it. He never asked. When he was not around i would just cry for hours on end. The few times i did say no i was ignored. I felt like i was living outside of my body and that the use of it was happening to someone else. Who could i tell? who would help me. I felt along, afraid and worthless. Do many times i felt like walking out. I nearly did it to.

But then I got pregnant. I was devastated. I did not want a child with a man like this. He was over the moon. Something else to tie me too him. I could not tell anyone one as i was ashamed. But i guess the universe stepped in. On a regular routine check it was found that i was dilated and still spot bleeding. testing my blood i was found to be AB negative. One of the rarest blood types in the world. Problem is with a negative blood type, the chances are the baby has an O or positive blood type and the body therefore rejects the fetus. I lost the baby just over 9 weeks. Instead of thinking it was not meant to be and a gift i internalized it thinking it was just confirming that i was not worth being a mother. Not that i wanted to be a mother to his child.

......TO BE CONTINUED