Updated: Jul 19
I want to help people who cannot see the light but live in darkness. This blog is about bringing positive back for people who have lost all hope and help them strive to do better and become driven to follow their dreams.
This blog is dedicated to all human beings. I want people to be aware of, and support, what happens to a person and how to help people in different situations. I want people, who are in different situations to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I want every person to know that you can work your way through things and that there is always hope, even when there seems like there is none.
I am about to embark on a journey. Several journeys in fact.
1. The first is to face my fear.
All my life I have kept quiet. I have kept so quiet last year had a failed suicide attempt. Not many people know this. I have not really told anyone except my doctors and the hospital I was in. I took pause, recognized it for what is was, got myself to a hospital who then kept tabs on me until I was admitted into a mental hospital. I did not want anyone to know. I did not want to exist because I thought no one understood me or understood where I was coming from. I felt unwanted and unloved.
Before this factors that contributed to this is self-blaming:
i. I was not good enough - adoption
ii. Fear of abandonment – adoption and people approval
iii. Fear of vulnerability – bullying and misunderstanding by outside influences
iv. Fear of not being understood – outside approval, problems with the law
v. Stigmatism to mental illness – what other people thought and how that affected my professional life
vi. Life factors: Cancer, rape, abuse, major back surgery, money problems, bullying, lack of feeling loved
vii. Fear of incarceration – driving offences
viii. Fear of not living up to people’s expectations - parent approval, professional approval
As I said all of this was created by my own mind, not others. All I can do is control my own reactions.
2. The second journey is one of blind faith in human beings.
Going into another country and meeting people I have never met. Talked to online, created friendships of such depth that we have created a bond I have never known. Every person is a beautiful person but whenever I say ‘beautiful’ for anything or anyone, I mean beautiful inside– you can have outwardly beautiful people who are ugly on the inside… so they are not beautiful to me.
These people have inspired me and pushed me forward. There are those who know they have propelled me forward. There are those who do not know, and I want them to know.
There have been several actors, yes people in the spotlight, who have absolutely inspired and propelled me into a different life. Completely derailed my way of thinking and switching me to what I really want to do. Keeping me on track with my other team keeping me afloat.
I had no idea, twenty years ago, that I would ever be in this situation and doing what I am doing now… and being good at it. I never ever had confidence to stand up and be counted. I never ever thought I was good enough to do anything of worth. Then one single person changed all that.
Budda said: “when the student is ready the teacher will appear”. Well the teacher came in the form of a much younger, talented young man who was willing to put himself out there and tell everyone how he felt about what he was going through. Being honest and humble, down to earth, straight forward and ambitious. Never once straying from his grounding or beliefs. Always respectful and very communicative. This one person was an actor who reached out to me and I heard him. My love for him is infinite in its friendship, but I doubt he knows HOW much he has changed my life. Even though I have told him several times.
From this person I have gained more friends, honest and forthright, through him and his friendships. I laugh with them, I cry with them, I promote them. The list gets bigger and bigger. My professional team of humble humans, who I want to see succeed in everything they do. They include three main actors (who know who they are) and a bunch of people who don’t know how they have supported me.
My muse – talented, kind, considerate, humble, beautiful, hardworking, motivational, sharing, caring and affectionate. Loves the gym, outdoors, climbing and is an absolute geek and goofball. I want his star to rise and shine over him so that he can keep doing what he loves the most.
My strength, heart and soul – this woman is an impressive human. I have never met her but have spoken to her regularly. She is beautiful strong, talented, kind, giving and very interactive. To me she is a kindred spirit. She is also very insightful, healthy and gorgeous. I want the world to know how awesomely fantastic she really is. Her intelligence, beauty and insight need to be shown to the whole world.
My motivator – this man is very professional but hilariously funny. He is kind and hard working. Gives his time, shares his good and bad but gets up and keeps on moving. Very fit but humble. I want to see him grow and shine his bright light, so others know how wonderful he really is. He loves his sports and is very fit and healthy. You don’t often see his geek side but its there. Goofy - absolutely, stunning – you bet but I see what’s inside and that is kindness and determination.
My ‘Blackbloods’ and fellow ‘Patreons’ these humble humans do not know how much they mean to me and how they have helped propel me forward. They have supported me, interacted with me, been honest with me. We have laughed, got up to a lot of mischief, cried, held each other’s virtual hands and let each other cry on our virtual shoulders. You are all amazing and I thank them from the bottom of my soul. You guys are my propeller.
So, what has changed:
I have gone from being a high school teacher to an accountant. Now a chartered in Australia - I call it my ‘Day Job’ and am contracting out my services as a professional, while trying to live my dream. My dreams started in my teens, these were acting, signing, writing, dancing. I loved the arts. Then I grew up and had to make money. There was not help for people like me back then and when you lack the confidence, well there was not a lot of help and I had no idea what to do.
What have I achieved so far and what am I doing to move closer to my dream?
i. Poetry I have written over the last twenty years has been collated and added to all my new ones. The new poetry has been inspired by my muse (or musey is what I call him – so he knows who he is) and my time in hospital. I came out with just under 100 poems, sent them to several publishing companies. After getting the general “we will respond in 8-10 weeks after 3 weeks Austin Macauley came back to me with a book deal. Giving me an overwhelming compliment (will share in coming blogs). So, I will be publishing my Poetry Book soon named Darkness and Light. I am so excited no one can comprehend what that means to me.
ii. I am over eighty thousand words into my first Novel (now this story has been in my head for twenty years) and has now taken on a life of its own. My beta readers love it and I get so excited when I read it, I can hardly wait to see what happens next. I have never felt so proud and excited about anything I have ever done. But this is my masterpiece. It is one of three Fantasy/Syfy books.
iii. I have nearly completed my first screenplay. Based on my Novel “The Order of the White Queen”. Love it so much. Have a dream team of people who I want in it and if I can get funding and production, they will be in it. I have based some of the characters outward appearance on them. So, its suited to my super team of actors who I interact with. I tend to follow people who are humble in nature and love to chat, follow back or interact. If they don’t, I usually don’t bother interacting too much. I don’t mind getting updates of some of the actors who present as a decent human being but other than that. No.
iv. I am back to singing so training my voice after five years. Its been hard as I don’t really have anywhere to practice, but I am making baby steps with stretching my pipes. Have written several songs but will not release on YouTube or my website until my pipes are completely in the right place.
v. My tour to the United States will be part of the non-fiction book of my life and everything I have expressed so far. I want to report my interactions with audiences. Send out positive messages, dedicate it all to the people I meet and interact with and to who helped me get there.
SPONSORSHIP AND FUNDING
I am not above asking for sponsorship. After all I have been through in the last five years:
Major back surgery
I can honest say all my hard work over the years has not paid off, I am finding it hard financially. All my savings foreshadowed by illness.
Any company, organisation or person who wishes to help me I am willing to attend and do public speaking on any of the above topics at:
- including libraries, universities, associations, bookstores anyone or anything that might find my services beneficial.
I have acted and sung in front of thousands of people before, put me in a room and I will know everyone’s name by the end of the night. I have been described as bubbly, fun, happy and kind.
I would welcome donations in the form of
First touring the United States, to visit my support team. Then hopefully across Australia and the United Kingdom, to spread a positive word about life in the low lane.
I will be listing and plugging my sponsors in my blog and public speaking events. To anyone who believes in me, I owe you that much.
I have a big dream list, but I am determined to help people. To meet people and strive for a better understanding of the cognitive mind.
Take this journey with me. Read about it, ask questions, donate or just be. I believe the world was meant to have all different types of people so we can learn and grow. I believe in you.