AND SO IT BEGINS
I want to help people who cannot see the light but live in darkness. This blog is about bringing positive back for people who have lost all hope and help them strive to do better and become driven to follow their dreams.
This blog is dedicated to all human beings. I want people to be aware of, and support, what happens to a person and how to help people in different situations. I want people, who are in different situations to know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I want every person to know that you can work your way through things and that there is always hope, even when there seems like there is none.
HOW DOES SOMEONE WITH SO MUCH POTENTIAL GO DOWN HILL????
I was not sure what to write in a blog or how to do this. All I can say I am having a go so that it might help someone or create discussion about the need to desensitise the stigma of mental illness.
BACK AT THE BEGINNING:
I remember when I was a little girl my dad was reading a book to me and in it was a sentence about adopting a dog. I was only about nine. At this stage I was already a very quiet and meek person. I asked him what the word adoption meant. After he explained that to me, I asked him “am I adopted?” standard answer “Go ask your mum.”
My mum explained it to me as if to say I was very special that they had waited a long time for me. That is was such a special day. They all hopped in the car to come and get me. They especially ordered a blue-eyed baby girl and that I was worth the wait.
I always felt like something was missing. I had a hole I could not fill. I always thought I was not good enough. I had to do better. According to the book ‘Primal Wound’ by Nancy Verier – a twenty-year study on adoptees, it was a classic symptom of fear of abandonment.
Being of such a young age and with my mum saying to me things like:
“you’re not doing this right”
“I’ll do it because you don’t know that you are doing”
“have you done this yet??”
Even though her actual intentions were good and to help lead and guide me to a path of practically and a way to look after myself. As a child with fear of abandonment, the messages I was receiving were completely different. I was thinking more along the line like:
“you are useless”
“You can’t do anything right”
“You are not capable”
And so it goes. I grew up thinking I was not good enough and could not do anything right. I was bullied at school by various people. The hole in my spirit grew larger. I did not stand up for myself or think I was worth anything.
One of my best friends, when I was eleven, told me one day that I would never amount to anything as I could not spell very well. I was devastated. This was my BEST FRIEND. I can now say she is wrong and that even though I am not the best speller, I am about to make a living out of writing (Poetry/novels/songs/screenplays). SO TAKE THAT!
I was being bullied by this girl at school – Maryanne. One day in primary school she stood up during lunch time, when we had to sit for the first fifteen minutes, and stated “No wonder your real mum gave you away. You were not worth her time. She was most probably so happy about giving you away, then she would not have to deal with you anymore.” This is what eleven-year old’s can say to another to diminish their worth and ruin a spirit.
FORWARD TO THE FUTURE
There is so much in today's world that would help a person like me. I had such low self-esteem until recently. I never believed in myself and certainly did not think I was worth any effort. That all changed due to several different factors:
Having time off and taking to time to learn about myself and my state of mind. I was a steam train wreckage waiting to happen. If I stopped and really thought about what was going on, I would have made different choices. Also going into a “hospital” with the right people in charge, and taking a cognitive behavioural course was the BEST THING I COULD HAVE DONE FOR MYSELF.
Being truthful to myself and understanding my reasons for doing things. No one in the world understood me – or so I thought – not my parents, not some of my friends, definitely not my family. These were supposed to be my support network and they had my motivations, intentions and actions way out of context. How could they help me if they did not know what I was going through and why? To this day they still don’t understand, they don’t want to, and have no idea who I am – as a person. They have put me in a box that makes no sense to me. But that is them. It’s not me. I can only control my actions (not all good choices) as I am no way near perfect...and the way I RESPOND to other people and their actions/reactions. But the positive in this is that I learned to let go of that insecurity of feeling abandoned (as now that had happened), let it go and make myself stronger. If people want to misread me, misinterpret me or take me the wrong way that’s their problem not mine.
Having a professional team behind me who believed in me and wanted to see me better in the “right” state of mind; Living a fulfilling life as a person and getting the best out of what I can do.
People who helped me see what I should be doing. Noticing that putting yourself out there on display and being vulnerable did not mean I was useless, unintelligent but that I had a lot more to offer.
Having people urge me on and tell me that I needed to do something worthwhile. Seeing others, who were not necessarily successful at what they were doing but loved doing it and had faith in themselves. Those are the people that work very hard towards their dreams and never ever give up.
A silly thing to say but the Twitter verse opened up a whole new set of doors to me. I made friends that I adore. I could speak to people who were in the public arena that cared enough to want to reply. I joined groups and fandoms that welcomed who I was. My favourite show in all of creation is The Outpost and all people, and some of their friends, are the nicest set of humans I could ever hope to meet. Actors and fans, I have made lifelong friends with the most remarkable people (Stacy, Ghost, Charlotte, Lisa, Dee, Floppy, CJ, Hien, Rachael, Chrystal, C.N, Ruth……… and the list goes on). Mischief, shenanigans, laughter and love.
The writing community on Twitter is AMAZING and I have met some wonderful people who are helpful. We help each other, bounce ideas around, play games, encourage others and have faith in each other. Truly inspirational. I would never have believed it.
I have done fan art, videos, songs and GIFS all for my favourite people. My expression is my love. I did not know it was in me until i met these talented fans..... you know who you are.
My quick and short tips for a long and crucial process.
(only for a short stop and not the total answer)
Reach out where you can.
Make sure your support system understands and actually supports you.
Find something you love (this is not easy), find your expression whether its knitting, scrap-booking, running, being a gym junkie, signing, riding a bike, gardening…… anything you like to do that makes your heart sing.
Stop and think. Take yourself outside of your body to see yourself and try to understand where you are coming from.
